ZAS: Yes! We Have No Bananas?
by trecebo
Summary: When good fruit goes bad, comedy ensues...sort of. Poor Radek, or is it Poor Rodney? Yet another one shot brought to you by the Zelenka Admiration Society.


**ZAS: Yes! We have No Bananas?**

Disclaimer: Not mine. Title was borrowed and modified for my story. Don't even think of humming the song. No. Don't do it. Don't think of humming Yes, We have no bananas, we have no bananas today... Not at all...

Spoilers: Teyla is pregnant. Ooops! Let that outta the bag!

**ZAS: Yes! We have No Bananas?**

Rodney walked into his lab, face buried in his laptop. Without even looking, he began to speak. "Radek, have you seen the latest on this..." Colorful Czech cursing brought him out of his computer.

Zelenka stood at his terminal, holding a finger whilst spewing invectives at an innocuous piece of fruit.

"What? What did you do? Are you bleeding?" McKay scrambled closer, seeing the telltale signs of red squeezing out from between the other scientist's fingers. "Whoa! That's blood. Don't get it on the computers."

"Thanks for the warning, Rodney," Radek ground out between clenched teeth. "I could bleed to death and you are worried about the computers."

"Don't be silly. You won't bleed to death, at least, not at this point. Here." He whipped out a gauze packet from one of his many pockets, ignoring the raised eyebrow aimed his direction. With practiced precision, Rodney clamped down on the cut, wrapping and raising it above heart level. "What are you doing, anyway?"

Zelenka shrugged his other arm. "Is banana-like fruit I wanted to try." He motioned to the ominous pink thing, now tinged with darker pink blood spatters.

"Those things? Only Teyla eats those. I swear, it must be a pregnant woman thing with that." The Canadian fluttered around the terminal, deigning not to touch the offending fruit.

"Why do you think is only a pregnant thing?" Radek let go of his injured hand long enough to scratch his nose and push his glasses into place.

"She's the only one I've seen eating them. AND she's the only one pregnant." With a triumphant smirk, McKay grabbed two pointers and began to herd the pink banana toward a receptacle at the edge of the terminal desk.

Zelenka moved to stop him. "I still want to try it." His blue eyes were resolved.

"It tried to kill you," came the surprised reply.

"Who did?" A deep voice resounded from the doorway.

Mckay didn't even flinch. "This—this banana nearly forced Radek to cut off his finger."

"Rodney! Is not true! The knife slipped." Frowning, the Czech swiped the fruit, turning away from his fellow scientist.

Ronon merely blinked at the antics of the two. "You want to eat that?" He gestured at pink offender.

Radek had the grace to look abashed. "Um, yes. Teyla seemed to enjoy it the other day, and since we have them..."

The Satedan stretched out a hand, into which the banana went. Dex looked at it from several angles, observing the only slight dent Zelenka had made with a knife. "Not a bad try for someone who doesn't know how to open one."

"What? It's a banana, for crying out loud! You snap it, peel it, eat it, and much juvenile comedy ensues when you toss the peel on the ground. Haven't you and Sheppard reached the Stooges yet?" Rodney's sputtering didn't faze the bigger man.

"The trick is a sharp blade, Doc." Ronon reached for one of his knives, a small one with a thin blade. He showed the Czech the weakest point in the outer covering. "You score it here, and then you can open it." With two swift strokes, the Satedan had the fruit flayed and ready to eat. Stabbing a piece with his knife, he offered it to the scientist.

"Hey! Easy with the sharp toys, Conan! Can't you see he's injured? I'm sure the banana will do wonders for the bleeding." Rodney continued to blather, torn between working and the vague idea that Radek might really need that finger.

"Is not bleeding anymore, see?" Zelenka held up his hand, the messy bandages hanging askew. He peeled back a layer to see the dry gash staring back at him. "Oh my..."

"Easy, Doc." Ronon patted his vest, looking for something.

"Lose a knife?" McKay dug into his own pockets for a clean set of gauze.

Answering with a grunt, the Satedan pulled out a little tube, waving it slowly. "This stuff is good."

"Yes, yes, what is it? Drugs? How did you get drugs and I don't? Is it because Keller has a thing for tall, dark, and dread-locked?"

"Rodney!" Radek groped for his stool, easing himself onto it. He let his hand rest on the desk while Dex moved closer.

"Wait? Is that glue? You're gonna give him glue for the cut?" Incredulity laced the head scientist's voice.

"No." Ronon ignored his friend's rant, focusing on Zelenka instead. "This is gonna sting a bit, but it'll close that cut up." He squeezed the thin, clear gel on to the opening, being careful to push it closed while not touching the adhesive.

Radek hissed, wanting to jerk his hand away and shake it, but Dex held it down, fanning it with a padd. Seconds later, he stopped. "It's all dry. You're good to go. If it starts to swell or turn red, go see Keller."

"And who made you a voodoo doctor?" McKay stood nearby, arms crossed. "What if his hand falls off?"

"It won't. Trust me. Ask Sheppard if you want back up." He speared a piece of the banana and headed for the door. "Gotta go. Marine training."

Rodney watched him leave, sighing as he turned back to Zelenka. "You really think–"

"Is good. Look, the adhesive properties pulled the skin together, drying it quickly, making it waterproof and tight. It's like a scratch now." Radek pushed his glasses up, popping a bite of the dastardly fruit. "And you ought to try this, Rodney. It tastes like–"

"Chicken?" McKay couldn't resist the line. "Or wait, maybe like snake, which tastes like chicken."

"No. Oddly enough, it tastes like banana." The Czech hurriedly stuffed his face when Rodney stomped over, threatening to swipe it all into the trash receptacle. Looking like an intelligent chipmunk, he tapped a few buttons, activating the City's intercom system. Strains of Handel's Messiah wafted softly in the air.

Rodney whirled, glaring at him. "You did NOT just do that..."

Oh, yes. He did.

**The End.**


End file.
